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OSGOOD

I called Mama - she was so happy she cried - she wants you to have her wedding gown - it's white lace.

JERRY (steeling himself)

Osgood - I can't get married in your mother's dress. She and I - we' not built the same way. OSGOOD

We can have it altered.

JERRY (firmly)

Oh, no you don't! Look, Osgood - I'm going to level with you. We can't get married at all.

OSGOOD

Why not?

JERRY

Well, to begin with, I'm not a natural blonde.

OSGOOD (tolerantly)

It doesn't matter.

JERRY

And I smoke. I smoke all the time.

OSGOOD

I don't care.

JERRY

And I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.

OSGOOD

I forgive you.

JERRY (with growing desperation)

And I can never have children.

OSGOOD

We'll adopt some.

JERRY

But you don't understand! (he rips off his wig; in a male voice) I'm a MAN!

OSGOOD (oblivious)

Well - nobody's perfect.